Life Death & Living
Since childhood, I've experienced a persistent anxiety about my own mortality. Over time, I've discovered that the more directly I approach my fears, the less intense they become, and the more present I can be to my own life.
"Life, Death & Living" is a depiction of this ongoing, non-linear process of confronting and releasing my fear of death. Each photograph exists somewhere on a continuum, from fear to acceptance. The series ends with some loose ends, mirroring the fact that this is a lifelong journey. These images were originally designed to be paired with handwritten reflections, which I've included next to each image, in type.
Through this series, I hope to invite viewers to consider their own relationship to death, and how that awareness shapes the way they choose to live.
My first memory of being afraid of death was around age 8.
In high school, a girl in grade 12 died of Leukaemia. Death no longer felt abstract and distant... it felt close and threatening. Since them, I've struggled with a fear of dying young.
At age 21, I was diagnosed with skin cancer. In the weeks waiting for surgery, I felt fragile in a way I hadn’t experienced before. It was beauty that moved me to tears the most. I so desperately wanted to live!
Although the uncertainty was painful, it made me present to everything.
The idea of my body eventually decomposing continues to be a very challenging reality to accept.
It’s only when I’m ensconced in nature that returning to the earth doesn’t feel so scary.
The morning that I found out about my dad’s passing, I cried over losing him.
As I fell asleep, I wept, thinking of his naked body, cold in the morgue.
Even though I rationally know that the brain cannot feel sensations after death, I’ve always associated death with being cold.
A few years ago, I stumbled upon a website ‘Near Death Experiences Research Foundation,” a research bank of people’s experiences who had been medically pronounced dead, and came back to life again. An overwhelming theme was people sharing about feeling “enveloped” in “blissful” warmth upon dying.
I occasionally attend something called “death cafe,” an event where you chat with strangers about death. I always leave feeling more joyful, and connected to being human.
Some quotes from conversations at death cafe:
“everyday above ground is a good day”
“what if, when we die, we really wake up…and we realize this life was all just a dream?”
I supported my sister during childbirth of my nephew… a truly miraculous event to witness.
Afterwards, I thought about how terrifying it would be to be stuck in a dark tiny cave for 9 months, and be pushed out without knowing where you’re going. Somehow the knowledge that I did that makes me feel more prepared for the journey of death.
I’m taken aback when people complain about signs of aging. My experience has shown me that aging is a privilege.
I hope to live long enough to have a head of silver white hair, like my mom.
While working on this series, I was referred to a Specialist to test for Lymphoma, a sister cancer to Leukaemia.
When I came back from the hospital, all I wanted to do was create.
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always seen how thin the line is between life and death.
While this journey has not been easy, it has given me gifts… shaping me into a more grateful, passionate, forgiving and curious person.
